Fat Actor

So before I consider tackling this beast again, is anyone I know still out there?

Does anyone still use this?

Let me know.

So here I am back in Montreal (More on that in another post later).

I am taking over Renzo's apartment, nice place and at a good price no less. A bit awkward to get to, but not impossible by any stretch of the imagination.

Now here's the thing, after paying first month's rent, and buying a secondhand Fridge/Stove/Washer/Dryer I am going to be pretty much tapped out and still in need of things for the apartment.

So I turn to all of you and ask you to look into your closets... talk to your loved ones... even check under the couch as it were and see if you can spare any of the items on this list. Which is by no means complete, so if you think of anything not on here that I would probably need, please feel free to offer it :)

The list, in no particular order other than how they come to me head.

Towels
Dishes
Cutlery
Bowls
Pots & pans
Blankets
Glasses & cups
A bed (two might be nice as my roommate is also arriving with just the clothes he owns, but he is a great guy)
A couch or couches (this, like a bed, is a to priority given how I love to entertain guests)
Salt & Pepper shakers
Wall hangings
throw rugs
drapes or curtains
Microwave, Toaster Oven or other kitcheney stuff
Plants
A Kitten

Okay that's all that is coming to mind for me, though I am sure there are tons of things I am forgetting.

So there is the list, if you can at all provide any of it, please let me know :)

Thanks in advance and I promise an actual life update is coming. :)

Life has gotten a little hectic for me of late, so I do promise to get an update out to everyone, but right now I just haven't the head space to do so... so hang tight True Believers!

So I got this nudge from racing_girl and it was cause I hadn't posted in a while. I appreciate that she did, since I have things to share and say, but first I wanted to be done shooting "Scourge". Well we wrapped my last shot tonight, and let me tell you it is a dozy!

This shoot has been one hell of a ride for me. It has almost been a rebirth of sorts. No wait, check that... it has been a rebirth for me. In 20 years of acting professionally I can honestly say this was the best and most fulfilling job I have ever done.

Being appreciated by the crew, the other actors and the producer is one thing, but feeling like people were happy to see you? Knowing that they liked you for who you are? Knowing that your work was enjoyed? These are rare things in the fake world of the film industry.

I made honest to goodness friends on this shoot. I met people who have in their own ways changed my life. We lived together for weeks in Nanaimo and then came back to Vancouver to finish up and it was like doing a play. If you have ever done a long production in theatre, you know what I am talking about.

I also enjoyed it because in Nanaimo... I'm Batman!

The real turning point for me was this. We were shooting on Friday and I had to do a scene where I go from being flat on my back to up and out a door. Well with my bum knees and my weight I was worried as hell it would look like crap. Rehearsal and first take were ugly. I was less than coordinated and frankly it just looked bad. Then the second take came and my body just remembered how to do it. Third take was even better. Lightning shot through me. A feeling i haven't had in years came back to me. I rushed to the stunt coordinator jazzed with energy and said "John it was amazing! My body just remembered what to do!" and he looked at me with a smile as said "I was just saying to the director... See that... that's an old stunt man." I was floored and so stoked.

So we got to talking and he has offered to help me get back into shape in whatever way he can, and wants me to talk to his wife who is a fitness expert. Wow! How awesome is that? He said it point blank "You're 36 you are at a good time to turn it around and when you loose the weight there is no other actor like you in Vancouver." Oh hell yeah!

Then the sound guy, who is a pretty fun guy and a nutritionist agreed to sit down with me and help me work out a selection of foods and supplements to further work the process and help me with the weight loss! How frellin' cool is that?!

It seems I have found my drive. Being a physical actor doing fight scenes and other stunt related stuff (nothing too crazy) is something I used to be proud of... but with the weight and the knees it has been a long time. I miss that feeling. I miss that feeling of doing something that only a select number of people can do!

Women haven't been enough of a drive for me (let's face it, I haven't had the best run with the most inspirational of relationships) and the whole "live longer" thing doesn't wash when you are borderline depressive... so what really can drive you to be better and improve? Being special. Being not one in a million but one of a select few... elitist? Maybe... but whatever gets you to the dance.

So here I am... feeling reborn. My buddy Steve is designing a tattoo for me and I will get it to symbolize this rite of passage and the beginning of the rest of my life.

Stay tuned... it promises to never be boring. ;)

This was just sent as an email to two very important people in my life. I have decided to recreate it here, for my ethereal support network. :)

I have been awake for about an hour and a half here this morning and I have come to a major epiphany about myself. A good one though, and it... well let me explain.

I couldn't sleep, I had passed out around 12:30am and was having fitful dreams and whatnot, sleep that wasn't truly satisfying. I woke up just after 6am and had a shower. Then I went an had a smoke outside. The mist here is pretty impressive, reminds me of home quite a bit. The air has that seaside smell I grew up with and frankly it made me nostalgic.

One cigarette lead to two and I let my mind wander. I found myself thinking about why I haven't been able to have the success at quitting smoking and that lead to thoughts about why I haven't been able to loose weight the way I want to.

I started thinking about my creativity and how I am able to be so very creative and give it my all, yet I am not the same in other aspects of my life.

A cold wind blew down the street and chilled me as I thought about this and a spark ignited in my brain.

Immersion.

When I create I tend to immerse myself in the subject matter. I don't allow outside distractions and put stern controls on what I will and will not see, read, listen to or watch. This keeps me focused and directed and as such I get tangible results and maximize my creative
output on the subject at hand.

Immersion.

Ambre, and lord knows this is an odd thing for me to say, was right. I am an all or nothing type of person. I give it my everything, so long as I remain immersed and focused. I am able to stay on target, achieve results and actualize potential.

Why can't my body be the same way?

Why can't immersion into the topic of my health and shape pay the same dividends that my focus pays in say acting or creating roleplaying campaigns?

When I was in the best shape of my life, I was doing Tae-Kwan-Do 3 to 4 times a week, constantly making silly little martial arts films with Jason and constantly on the go. This was an immersive life I was living at that time.

My acting is the same thing, when I do theatre I immerse myself in a character and always achieve a stronger and more telling performance than when I just come into a project for a day and sort of phone-it-in.

So what does this realization mean? Well, I have the tools and need to take a stock of what I have, plan to succeed and then immerse into it.

"All or nothing" can change to "All... period".

I feel like I am on to something... I feel very connected all of a sudden.

This is a good day.

There are days on set where you do a scene and you know what you did was okay, everyone is satisfied and they just sort of accept what they got and move on. You did your job and that is fine.

Then there are those times you did something special or memorable and everyone knows it. I had one of those days today. These are the days you live for as an actor. Once cut is called, crew members make comments to you, the director shakes your hand as you head off set, etc... Those days make all the fruitless auditions and all the cold and waiting worth it. They make the pay cheque secondary and you feel like you accomplished something.

The comment I heard that made me feel 10 ... no forget that... 20 feet tall was this "You can just tell when you look at someone that they are really good at what they do"... I was floored. I was humble as I stammered out a thanks... but inside... oh inside I sang! My inner child's chest swelled and a smile 3 feet wide crossed his face.

So Thursday night I leave for Nanaimo to shoot this indy horror film, and while I only have 4 days of actual shooting, I will be in Nanaimo (the Harbour City according to their webpage) for almost 2 weeks! I am being put up, sharing a room with various actors as they come in and out, being fed everyday by set catering and getting a $25 per diem (read walking around money) for the days I am not shooting.

This should be fun. :)

I am going to treat this like a working vacation (last one was when I went to Santa Monica/LA for the video game in 2002) and should give me the head space I need to just sort of put it all in perspective.

I will do my best to keep up with folks, but I may just blend into the background of my social world for a bit and that be that.

The torn bicep is healing, sometimes it seems slower than I like though. It totally sucks for me as I am simply not able to sit in a gym and do cardio, so until it heals weight lifting is out of the question. Still I should be able to go for some nice walks in Nanaimo and that should help get the ball rolling a bit better.

And lastly, with all this craziness of the arm and knee injuries, I put some weight back on :( But recently I have noticed I need to tighten my belt again, my old jeans ain't sitting up like they used to... so whatever I gained, I have lost again :) Finally gotta punch that 2nd extra hole in my belt :) Yay me!

So my torn bicep continues to heal at a moderate pace. I tried picking up one of the kids yesterday and let's just say my arm was having none of that. I have achieved almost %100 motion back int he arm, but it has the strength of a wet noodle. My knee is better sometimes, but ultimately the weight loss is what it needs.

I am in a bit of a funk these days, winter blues combined with some universe shit that I am trying to shake and have for the most part. This is not doing my weight loss any good as I am eating only once or twice a day again.

This will turn around. Once I am done the film at the end of the month I can look for a new job (not fucking security) and get back on track. Until then I will entertain myself with Marvel Ultimate Alliance and pirated movies.

Dunno... just needed to get that off my chest I guess.

Did I accidentally piss on some statue of some God of mischief or something?

December 27th I got fired for purely political reasons and not for doing a bad job. Hell they even admitted I saved the site a week before after the guy who had been there before me had really messed it up. The client liked me so much they even gave me a Christmas present. It was all cool. But company politics being what they are, and me having a oh so strong and blunt speaking personality, was fired after the two supporters I had in head office left for other companies.

Okay shitty, but not the end of the world.

Now I am typing this after spending 3 hours at the Vancouver General Hospital ER. Right before I went to bed I was pushing my futon mattress back into place and it stuck. My body kept going but my left arm stayed in place and something went rip.

So yup, my luck of having never broken a bone continues, this time with a torn bicep. Not much they can do, this one, like my knee injury, just takes time to heal.

Holy moly man... what a way to start 2007. Lose the job, lose the girl and now injure the arm. Le sigh.

Well on the bright side, I have lost weight and need to punch yet another hole in my belt. Still the next few weeks are gonna suck for doing things, then I get to shoot that indy horror film and look for a new job.

What's that line about one door closes and another opens? Man it feels like a lot of doors have closed of late and not so many have opened. Still I shall have faith. What else can I do?

So I am sitting here at work on Christmas Eve. It is raining (I know, in Vancouver?!?) and I am not feeling overly festive. Still, thought I would send a shout out and say Merry Merry to you all.

So they offered me the part in the super-low-budget horror film I was talking about a few weeks back. Not much money to be sure, but I get to go to Nanaimo (on Vancouver Island) and it will be 2 or 3 days. They are paying my trip there, room & board and then what I am getting for the part.

So good news on the doing something cool front. The money is a lot less than I expected, but hey this isn't about money in the end.

I forgot to mention last night or even this morning while posting that I have achieved a little win.

I had to punch and extra hole in my belt last night so as to tighten it up and keep my dang pants up :)

I know it ain't much, but hell it is something... and that makes me happy.

Once again I find myself completely doing something I never thought I would do with this LJ, but as I sit here at work, my knee just throbbing, staring a tower patrol in the face, I check my friends page and lofu had posted one of those quizzes I just HAD to take.

Then the answer floored me. Anyone who has known me long enough will get why.

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack, I've been too long, I'm glad to be back" Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos. But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

Too creepy ...

but...

COMBAT CARDS 2.1

watch fat_actor fight

CREATE YOUR CARD

Well hellfire and balls! I am so pissed right now it isn't even funny. No no, not the standard "Aren't you Irish so pissed means drunk right?" kinda of pissed. No I mean the mad enough to chew iron and spit nails out kinda pissed.

And why you might ask?

Last night at work, while doing an exterior patrol, I stepped on a patch of slush covering ice and cranked my right knee but good! I mean it is fucking painful to say the least!

I know, I know, you are wondering how on Earth I found ice in Vancouver. Well as some of you may know (from the news or from living here) we had a massive (for Vancouver) dump of snow and temperatures down to -16c with the windchill. IE; Normal for Montreal, really abnormal for Vancouver.

Anywho, since my job requires a floor by floor patrol of 19 floors (+2 basements) I am not at work right now, having taken the day off, then getting my regular two days off, to try and heal up before I go back to work on Sunday night.

Well in the end a minor setback is all it is and I shall overcome this rather silly little thing. The kicker is I was just getting proud of myself for getting all this exercise every night... grumble... grumble... grr...

Onwards and upwards.

On the acting front, I auditioned for an indy horror film the other day and I think there is a good chance they may offer me the part. They emailed me the script and now everything is in my agent's hands. It is a fun script, and the character is a fun one too with 3 or 4 good scenes. It is a non-Union gig (thank goodness I am on suspension right now and can work on non-Union gigs) which means there won't be tons of money, but then those who know me well and remember how I got started in this industry (Time of Your Life anyone?) know I don't do it for the cash. It is a nice part of it to be sure, but you gotta love acting otherwise this business will kill you. Hell I even put my money where my mouth is after a fashion and did an indy film in '99 called "Lost and Found" for free. I liked the script, I liked the director and I liked the producer. That also was a very positive experience in my career.

So fingers crossed everyone that they want me for the part :)

Well they say that a man is what he does. Not sure I agree with such a statement, but then statements of that ilk rarely define or apply to me. That said I got bored, bored of being on EI, bored of having nothing to do and bored of having just enough money to get by each month.

So what did I do?

I called the only security company (En Guard) and asked them to put me back on the board. Given a choice of sites I went with an apartment complex in the West End that is just plain heaven for a security guard. 19 floors, 11pm to 7am and 1 patrol an hour. So one patrol is the exterior, basement, subbasement and parkades... takes less than 12 minutes. Second patrol is a floor by floor, criss-crossing from 19 all the way down.

Someone once told me the best exercise is the kind that is part of your daily routine. This qualifies to say the least. The stairs are tough right now, been sedentary far too long but that will change as the weeks roll by. Combining this pseudo workout with a change in diet and I should loose weight just by going to work five nights a week.

I take my laptop with me and there are at least three unsecured wireless networks I can connect to, so I am also getting to write and work on various projects. Plus having my laptop there also means I can listen to my MP3s and that helps the time pass just nicely.

My smoking gets cut down considerably as I can only have one an hour. When I do the stairwells every two hours I make sure to have my smoke break on the roof of the building. What a view! I can see 360 of Vancouver, all the way to Richmond in the South, most of Downtown to the East, West-Van to the west and duh North-Van to the north. I have said it before and I will say it again, this city is actually pretty at night. Not so much during the day.

Well that's all the updates I have right now, how are you?

Okay normally this would be some fantastical update full of wit and wry writing, accented with deep personal notes and revelations. Alas not this time, this time is purely mercenary.

I am putting together a demo tape (CD) for voice work here in BC and I need help. I need help in anyway I can get it. Specifically I need help with production. So I put this out to the universe and the LJ scene... does anyone know anybody who could help me with this?

I thank you all in advance.

For the Canadians reading, tomorrow, November 12th at 8pm eastern (5pm pacific) my episode of Eureka will air on Space:The Imagination Station. This was my first Guest Star role and also the most positive and rewarding professional experiences I have ever had. For the US or other places readers, the episode I believe has already aired (I know it has in the US) but you can usually find it for download on the various torrent sites, it is episode 10 (sometimes listed as 11 depending on the pilot being listed as ep 1 or eps 1 & 2) and is titled "Purple Haze".

Check it out :)

Dreams are a powerful thing. They can take many forms. Some are fast delivery of information, in and out and goodnight, some on the other hand are a twisted field of imagery and sounds, places, times and people that makes no sense. lightcastle has an excellent post with some numbers et al. I highly recommend you check it out.

Now, pray, what does this have to do with the Fat Actor situation? Or carrots in the ether? Good questions. I'm glad you asked, you get a gold star and may sit at the front of the class. It has to do with this... I had a very powerful dream last night... exceptionally powerful. The kind of dream that when you wake up it takes you a moment or two to realize you are not in that dream world anymore.

You know the kind.

In the dream I was in all kinds of shape, looking the best I ever had in my life. I was in a city that was Montreal, but felt like it was in Mexico or Latin America (dreams, go figure) and was much smaller. Imagine the area on St Catherine right near the Eaton Centre, go about 5 blocks in either direction and that was it (Yes it was THAT vivid a dream). So there I am talking with a Rabbi about where to get the best bagels in this miniature city and suddenly I pick up the newspaper and the headline is about my father having died of a massive coronary. Very disturbing but not unexpected to be honest given his health. I leave the Rabbi and find myself talking with this absolutely stunning blond Cate Blanchett looking woman.

As we walk and talk, we are connecting and having a grand old time. We really seem to be into each other and enjoying the conversation on a level that is just the two of us and no one else. We wind up having coffee and then go back to my apartment and talk acting and film and ... well one thing leads to another. Now understand this isn't a sex dream, in fact the sex in the dream was hesitant and awkward, not at all pornographic or stylized like a movie. Well one movie can come close to this, An Officer and a Gentleman, if you have seen the movie you know what I am talking about.

So the dream continues, we lay and talk and just continue to connect and bond. We agree that there is something powerful here, but we should take it slow since we have both been hurt and it would be best to not rush into anything. Eventually goodbyes are said and away she goes. I am not kidding, this is how mundane what is going on in the dream. I am cleaning my apartment when I suddenly need to make a phone call and start looking for my phone. I can't find it. But I can find hers... how odd.

She has only really just left, so I pull on some jeans and dash out the door, maybe I can catch her before she gets too far away. As I get a ways down the road, my brain kicks into gear and I realize she has my phone so I should just call it and talk to her instead of running shirtless and shoeless down the night street. I dial my number and she answers with a playful "Hello". I say "Hey" and she says in a playfully coy way "I thought we were gonna take things slowly?". I can hear the smile on her lips. I mutter out a "Yeah... thought so to..." (gripping dialog in my dreams eh? ;) ) and then the dream comes to an end. I woke up and wanted nothing more than to be back in that conversation. Back in that dream world where I was that person and she was there.

Now understand, my dreams are rarely this streamlined. They are usually more a jumble of places, people, things, etc... I am talking true chaos. I once described a dream to my old roommate and he pretty much wondered if I had eaten some expired ham before going to bed.

I think my subconscious was finding a way to dangle and ethereal carrot in front of my motivation, saying to me this is the kind of life you could have if you fight for it. Get in shape. Be that confident person on every level that you can be and you can make this kind of connection.

So what do you make of this dream? What do you think my subconscious was telling me? Or do you chalk it up to expired ham?

So it occurs to me that before we get to far down one road (weight loss and mental health) there is a whole other component to this LJ, that of course being the actor part. I am thinking for the first time ever I should put down what acting is to me on paper (or type if you prefer) so that others can see what I mean and heck even I might get a better handle on my craft.

First off I am not a fan of theatre schools, despite wanting to teach, and the reason is that I think most schools are populated by failed actors teaching their mistakes or letting their egos hold back young actors whom they start telling "You're not ready yet". This isn't Jedi training. You were ready to act the moment you were born... don't believe me, watch children when they want something... or watch footballers when they think they can get a yellow card against someone. Oscar caliber performances every time.

Acting, pure acting, should be about separating the ego from what you are doing and being in the moment. In fact let's use that term as the definitive of what I am talking about... Being. (Yes Zart I am claiming it and making it my own) Method is a big and broad style. There is no one Method, but lots of other methods, so in ways this idea of Being could be called Method as well. I'll prefer to see it as simply a method (note the less important M in that one) and leave it at that.

So what is Being as an actor? Well it is as simple and as complex as this. Find the place in yourself where you and the character connect. The place where you both share existence and live there. Be that place. Achieve a state of Being.

What the hell does that mean? Okay let me break this down another way...

Say you are playing a lothario. A guy who is a real ladies man. You can either play him as a caricature. Make him slimy and scummy and even a bit pathetic, or you can go to that place inside where you are like that and make him real. Make him even sympathetic. This is where being yourself at the place can make the difference between a good performance and a great one.

If you can find the place where you are that character, be it your view on dating, or the need to be socially accepted, or whatever it is, and you put yourself into that place of being while you are playing this character... it will be realistic and true and people watching will also feel the truth of your performance.

Now this is not something that is easy or even something I have completely mastered either. I have learned over the years that as an actor, hell as a human, I never stop learning or experiencing new things that further affect my views and my ability to act.

My biggest weakness as an actor is to play someone pathetic. Someone you just feel sorry for, not because of circumstance, but because of who they are. Apparently I can't find it in my eyes. Now if I think about the idea of Being, then I know this comes from my own fear of being seen in that light, therefore that place for me is terrifying. To overcome that is part of what Fat Actor is all about, learning slowly to change my perceptions of me and become someone who isn't so proud or ashamed of their weakness that I can live in it on demand.

Hmmm... Interesting how this flows as I type it. Very stream of consciousness...

So to sum up. Acting is about reality for me, be real and you will show reality. Truth in the character will make people understand that character. Your villains will seem a bit less comic book, your heroes a touch more fragile and your everyday people alive and not just cardboard cut outs.

Be.